I was really looking forward to watching Alfred Hitchcock & scary movies with you.
That would’ve been the best date ever.
I’m never sure when I’m over a person because I can’t tell the difference between still liking them or liking the idea of what could have been
I was really looking forward to watching Alfred Hitchcock & scary movies with you.
Friends and Feelings
To start off I’m not mad, at all, in any way. At most I’m annoyed.
I’m annoyed that my best friend/sister since I was 3 calls me up and tells me that she doesn’t see me as a friend and doesn’t want to be friends anymore
I’m annoyed that I annoy you and that neither of us can figure out where it went wrong. We barely text each other more
I’m annoyed that you didn’t want to lead me on yet you kept flirting and then asked me out on a date (twice) and I was waiting for you because I know that you’re hella busy right now.
I understand that there comes a point when if its not working out (friendship or relationship) between two people and you’ve been trying, there comes a point when its just not worth it anymore. Trying isn’t cutting it, it’s just over.
What bothers me is that it seems to me that no one is even trying to try any more. I am alwats skepical about getting close to people because I get attatched to them way too easily and way too fast. So I try to keep my distance. Once I let that person in, they are in my heart and mind constantly, anyone: friends, family, crushes.
We haven’t had a decent conversation in years because you kept pushing me away. I let it happen because I figured 18 years meant something to you. I figured that when things calmed down for you, when you figured out what you wanted and needed you would come back and we would work on building up our friendship again. You said it wasn’t worth trying anymore and that you didn’t want to strain it. I still can’t see what you meant by ‘trying’ because we both stopped trying a long time ago. I had accepted the fact that we were going seperate ways but you didn’t have to tell me you didn’t want to be friends with me anymore because now any chance of going back is competely gone.
You, I honeslty have no idea what happened. I dont know when things changed. It might have been when I figured out my feelings for you and set that boundary. This is what I was afraid of happening, but the things you are telling me aren’t things that are related to that. What bothers you about me is me as a person. I don’t know how to control that or when I started to annoy you. I would stop it if I could but… I don’t know. I wish I could figure this out because I don’t like not talking to you. I don’t like this awkwardness that is between us. I miss you.
I hadn’t let myself feel the way I did about you in about a year. Last time I got really hurt, so this time I went about it differently and I still got hurt. I was really excited about it, other people were excited about it, it was a good feeling. Things were going good. I had taken into consideration the same factors I knew you were going to be gone for a while and then you would be moving away but I was willing to give it a chance. Again, I’m not mad, you didn’t feel the same way I did and that’s fine. To you it wasn’t worth trying or the effort. I just wish that you had given it a chance because it seemed like it would be fun.
It just seems like everyone is giving up on me and I honeslty don’t want to be the only one trying again, it’s just difficult for me to let go.
If I decide to open up for just a little
I say what I feel and say
And certain people see it, only that little part, not even the full story
And they judge it, they judge and criticize.
If you feel the need to do so, maybe take a step back and think about why I might say what I say
Make sure you read the whole thing and don’t make assumptions.
Don’t try to lecture me based on those assumptions
You don’t always have to have something to say about everything
If I ever personally offend someone, I would rather they come to me. My intention is never to offend or hurt someone. And I am truly sorry if I ever do. But you obviously didn’t even have some relation to what I said. You chose to speak for a large group of people that you are not even part of.
Don’t talk to me about who has what rights, or that whatever is none of my business when you’re butting into mine.
I also love how you had to have the last word.
Whatever, you’re just a bowl full of judgement and drama.
I shouldn’t let you bother me because you really don’t matter to me.
Getting ahead of myself
I keep doing this thing where iI get ahead of myself. I get really excited or into something and then it just goes downhill from there.
Maybe I just to too much pressure and expectation on the situation
I know that as far as relationships go I move way too fast and I don’t like it and yet, I keep doing it.
Like right now, thats what Im doing. I woke up this morning and I regretted it.
I just need to slow down, step back and let things happen the way they do.
Okay. I just really need to express how utterly disappointed I am in you.
Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been struggling.
You fought cancer
You went through a divorce
You went through a miscarriage.
You’ve had a lot of shit in your life. No matter what you’ve done since then, the kind of boyfriends you’ve had, the stupid decisions you’ve made. Even though you are one of the most irresponsible people I’ve ever met, I’ve never categorized you as spineless.
But this, this is appalling. You know you deserve better, we know you deserve better. Everyone deserves better than what you have. This is the fourth time. The fourth time you’ve left and gone back.
You have a dog, who is stressed out of her mind. Your mom, who only wants what is best for you is worried shitless. You are causing problems in our parents marriage because you are being so stupid and selfish.
I don’t give two shits anymore about your relationship with this fuckwad. I don’t care about you and what you do. You honestly are the most stupid most cowardly person I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting and having to be related to.
Trust me, I’ve met a lot of shitheads.
But what you are doing, what you are putting us through, your family, your friends, your dog (who you say is your child), is totally and completely unacceptable.
I really hope that one day, you pull your head out of your ass and realize what the fuck you’re doing.
But I also hope you realize that even if your mom accepts you back into this house, none of us will.
I hope you realize how much stress you are putting on my dad, a man who has done nothing but help you from day one.
Honestly, fuck you.
I am annoyed and this is really frustrating. I understand that you’re busy but so is everyone else and they still seem to have time to talk to me. It’s like it doesn’t have to be that long.
I’m also annoyed because I told myself that I wouldn’t do the chasing, I don’t want to be that person when with a guy and yet I still do it.
I hate that I’ve my feelings for him are even this extreme, it’s like I’m really attracted to him but I can’t stop it. I feel like there should be a way for me to control this, to control myself.
I also understand that (as far as he says) he’s in experienced. Which would make sense because so are all the other guys he hangs out with. But at the same time I’m still skeptical because I keep hearing things from different people.
I don’t want to be compete-ting with someone, I don’t want to have to fight to get his attention or whatever, I just want things to happen.
But I’m so fucking impatient.
It breaks my heart every time I see you
Obviously, I didn’t expect you to stay single forever.
And as always, I just want you to be happy. I’m happy that you’re happy, I hope to god that she makes you happy because you deserve nothing less.
However, we made that promise for a reason and whether you disregarded it or conveniently forgot it, it still makes me mad. We promised that we wouldn’t date other people from the same school. We knew how much it would affect the other person, how much it would hurt to see each other with someone else.
Seeing you with her, everyday. Hearing people talk about it, about you guys, kills me. I loved you then, I love you now and will always love you, you yourself said the same for me. I can’t stand the idea that you are going to give your heart to someone else. I can’t stand the idea that someone is going to replace me in your life.
I had loved you for two years. I was just as afraid as love as you were, if not more. I had gotten hurt before by someone who tricked me into thinking he loved me, I had only experienced ‘love’ as a way for someone to get me to trust them and then betray me in the most unforgivable way. I sometimes feel as if you have forgotten it, we were both struggling and we both pulled each other through.
I regret very much the way I ended things, it was so abrupt and possibly at the worst time. I hadn’t seen you in weeks and by the time you got back I had made up my mind. That hour(probably longer) we spent in your car, me trying to explain to you why, and that I was sorry was probably the most pain and heartache I had ever been in.
There are still times when I will see or hear something, that smallest thing that will remind me of you and it completely tears me down. No matter what happens, no matter what you say or write, I end up crying. Although its been months, almost a year since, I still can’t shake it and honestly I’m not over it.
I don’t know if I need closer or if I need space. You are the only person I have ever broken down in front of, the only person where I have just been able to spill my heart out to, the person I’ve been most close to in my entire life.
I stop all the time and wonder, What if.
What if you weren’t as busy
What if I was more patient
What if we could have gotten through the teasing
What if I waited longer
What if we never broke up
What if we actually went on that break
What if I had told you to stay
No matter what, these are a waste of my time, no matter what happened one way or another we would have broken up eventually. Yes it was nice to think that maybe we could have made it, maybe we could have stayed together. Maybe you could have gone to the navy and come back safely.
I still stand by what I said, I still would have preferred something rather than nothing, I still would prefer something, which I occasionally have. I don’t regret not getting in the way of your future. I don’t regret spending those middle years of high school with you. I don’t regret being in love and I don’t regret standing up for myself.
It’s nice to know that you still love me as I still love you and that our thoughts and feelings towards/for each other are still the same.
Honestly I do hate the fact that you are with someone else, but that is just me being selfish and unreasonable. It’s going to take me a while to probably even come to terms with this whole situation I am hurt about how you went about it and how I found out. I’m probably just hurt by you in general, not that you hadn’t been hurt by me.
Either way, it doesn’t matter what I think because it’s your life and my thought and opinions have very little if at all, anything to do with it.
I know that sometime soon I’m going to have to have this conversation with you. I know that it’s going to be difficult for me to get through, and I really hope that I have said and will say everything I need to say.
Love forever and always,
Not trying to be narcissistic
But I don’t understand why this keeps happening. Why do they keep going when they are well aware that it’s not gunna go anywhere.
I feel bad because I start it but I don’t force it, I let them make the choice and I warn them ahead of time.
I also kind of hate myself because I keep doing this. How many friendships am I going to screw up because of my whore-ish behavior? At the same time, I’m not doing anything wrong, Its not involving other people, its strictly between myself and him.
Maybe it’s better for me to be in a committed relationship, but at the same time that’s not what i want.
This is the same problem that i’ve always had, i want everything even though Im well aware I cant have it.
I find a way to do it even though it might be at the expense of other peoples’ feelings.
Does that make me a bad person?
I don’t know anymore
I don’t want to be here
I remember once, during school, I just broke down crying and all I could say is “I don’t want to be here” I just kept repeating it over and over again and I was just balling my eyes out in the middle of the hallway.
I’ve realized that by ‘here’ I didn’t just mean at school I meant at home, in this town, in this city.
I’m tired of being here, I’m stuck here all day everyday. I get a taste of freedom and I want it so badly but I still have to wait.
I thought that college was going to be my out but, it’s not because I’m going to school here. My only hopes are to get a job, save up and leave every moment I have possible. There will probably be days or weeks at a time that I’m not home. I just have to wait 24 more days until I’m 18.
I brought my car with me so I can practice driving, you know how thats going? horribly.
My mom’s been driving my car around and it actually kills me to watch her driving it. I hate it so much.
I want out. I’m done